🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
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According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.