[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
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Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore