Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
You Might Also Like
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
#Caturday
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.