Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?