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me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
me when the borders lift
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy