Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you