DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.