Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
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Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”