me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
The morning after pill, but for tweets