What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
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I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE