nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
You Might Also Like
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
what could possibly go wrong?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.