Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
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Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’