some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
You Might Also Like
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.