[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
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Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
*puts cutlery down*
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”