My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal