INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
#parenting