My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.