Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
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So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Just a phase…
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW