When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Incredible customer service.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]