Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
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7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it