So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
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Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me