Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
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Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
called in thicc to work this morning
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.