Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
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If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*