what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
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I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Sniffing the broccoli
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Dolls on drugs
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.