Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
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My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Stop it! 😂
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Oh the world we live in…
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.