People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.