(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.