Always the camel, never the toe.
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Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.