Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
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My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito