i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
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I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.