surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking