Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Time heals everything 🙂
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*