Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
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Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.