KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave