[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
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Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Mad Max: Furry Road
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Sex so good you see dead people.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.