*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Don’t make me out nice you.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
What a year we’ve had this week.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.