Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
You Might Also Like
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Just grow your own
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
need him
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”