It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
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I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.