[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
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People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Haha! 😂
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
🔦🌙👣
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it