Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
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Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.