My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
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me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Only a mother’s love …