You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
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3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders