friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
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Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me