Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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For those that worship cheese..
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet