Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
You Might Also Like
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first