I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
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Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Just grow your own
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”