When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
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[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.