Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.