My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.