“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
What the hell happened here.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park